I’m Sconnie through and through (minus the thick Midwestern accent, I hope), and I love just about every variety of cheese I’ve ever come in contact with…curds included.
But I’ve learned that sometimes too much of a good thing…is too much.
We ordered a pizza for delivery a while back from our favorite local pizza place, and when it arrived, we weren’t sure if we accidentally ordered a Mozzarella Mountain off of the menu, or if maybe they ripped the Costco-sized bag of shreds as they were topping our pizza.
I don’t want to have to hire an exploration crew to go in search of a nugget of Italian sausage or a green olive slice like I’m looking for Antarctica or the South Pole.
And for me, the cheese-to-sauce ratio is key, too.
Declaring that particular pie a gooey, chewy disaster, we tried to be more specific in our orders after that, at every pizza place, whether eat-in, carryout or delivery. We quickly learned that if you ask for light cheese, some servers will look at you with a puzzled expression, as they try to figure out if their establishment carries low-calorie cheese in its kitchen.
One time we ordered light cheese while dining in, and the pizza came loaded with cheese, anyway. When we received our bill, we clearly saw why they didn’t go easy on the cheese. Instead of writing “light cheese” on our order slip, the server wrote, “white cheese.”
And as we chuckled and looked down at the leftover pizza, it did, in fact, have a combination of mozzarella and orange Cheddar.
Great. Not only are we trying to limit our consumption of Wisconsin’s most popular product, we’re also requesting racist cheese at every opportunity.
One night after ordering a pizza for carryout, I went to pick it up and as the server behind the bar looked over the slip to make sure it was the right pizza, she commented, “You put bleu cheese on pizza?!?”
I must have looked almost as confused as she sounded, and as I began to tell her she had the wrong pizza, she corrected herself, saying, “Oh, oh…that says ‘lite.’ Not ‘bleu,’ “ commenting on the hastily scribbled and misspelled word.
White. Bleu. Orange. Yellow. High-fat. Low-cal. Extra. Light. Or a mountainous gob that’ll keep your jaw working until it’s time to order the next one. This is all so much more difficult than it needs to be.
So we’ve changed our vocabulary a little bit, and now when we order, in person or on the phone, we order our toppings and then state, as clearly as possible, “…and about half the amount of cheese you normally put on.”
And about 90 percent of the time, when the server reads our order back to us, he or she will come to the end and say, “…and light cheese.”
Well…yes, I think to myself.
But it’s not as straightforward as you make it sound.
How can anyone govern a nation that has
246 different kinds of cheese?
—Charles de Gaulle